date: Saturday, December 25, 2004 @ 11:45 pm
title: Day 33: Day of Salvation.. You are Never Late in the House of God
A Chinese proverb once says, ‘walking slowly is always better than stopping.’
Before settling down in Revival Nation, I was struggling with my old wineskin – my leftover.
What were my leftovers? Many..
A church where I buried my childhood.
A gang of friends that I have to lose, in order to, dwell with God chosen friends.
A life that was of temporary pleasures and of eternal remorse and grief.
I need to start from scratch.
There was where I found my first love.. from God.
Even though, I was (sort of) fortunate to be born in a Christian family. I didn’t experience anything powerful from God. Just amazed by chapters about Jesus and the old testament stories. Amazement was not sufficient for me. I wanted more. Much more.
I wasn’t loved. I wanted out. I wanted to run away from my designed routine.
Why am I typing this? Why?
‘Cos after I experienced his first love and again his first love again and again.. everyday. Trials and testings interrupted my walk of faith everyday. Never fails to do something that might jeopardize my faith.
However after each success or failure.. My faith was stretched and fattened. How?
Let me recite my life story once again..
Long before the time.. (sub-conscious is trying to be lame.)
Well.. last Thursday. After Sister Von released the Rehma. Things changed. The tornado in my heart was settled and the Holy Spirit came into me. Powerfully release all the lessons that I learnt from ‘Purpose Driven Life’ book, He wanted me to pour what I had learnt into Mok’s heart.. for him to find a purpose to orient his life. ‘Cos he was shaken by Sister Von’s little preaching over the conclusion for Pastor How’s sermon during cell group. He wanted a dream, but don’t know where to get.
Boom and bang… words just came out of my mouth, that I spoke with boldness for the first time. Not from me, but the Holy Spirit. Testimonials spilled fro and (I think) touched the inner of Mok. However, I haven’t been checking up on him. Have to.. darn! Must remember my promise to him.
After cell group, I want shocked by what I had said. The testimonials. I always thought that I have nothing good to share.. always using Brother Sean’s miracle wedding testimonial and others. I didn’t notice of what God has done.. and I was so full with joy and thanksgiving.
Den.. what was so blind of me, was another wave of spiritual attack – Anger.
The habit of my brother (of the same loyal blood) made me boil. He always has to sit at the left-hand side of the back sit and would just ignore my feelings sometimes.
My blood was boiled until steam came gusting out of my ears. Pressure was yet cooking up.
Until, the next morning, when he shook me to conscious.. I unintentionally swear beneath my breath. That anger was still not noticed yet.
But what was so amazing, was the rushing hour for us to be on time. Well, while in the lift. Out of desperation, I prayed for a taxi in tongues for it to appear instantly in front of us. Den God heard my prayer and there was a taxi coming when we were at the carpark. And some more, the taxi journey was a blessing that we made it in time before 7:45 a.m.. Otherwise the donation box would appreciate 10-dollar fine pocketed thru its mouth.
It was during intercession, den I was prompted again by the HS that anger was going to spill. Anger was exploding soon.. My first prayer was to repent for the anger to have a foothold inside me and also for forgiveness for my brother’s ‘stubbornness’.. Den blessing flowed into both of us.. Anger was banished..
“ Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of judgement, and this shows that his love has not been perfected in us. ” 1 John 4:18
This is what I still can remember from the Sunday’s sermon.
Well… Pastor Char pointed out 4 points
People that are driven by guilt.
People that are driven by anger or resentment.
People that are driven by fear.
People that are driven by disapproval.
Fortunate.. I’m part of the people who are driven by disapproval, or was driven.
My childhood was full of gaining approval from my parents.
Both my parents work to together, so it was mandatory for me to help them at the office everyday after school during primary schooling days.
Thus, I always thought that the family business took away my parents’ love for me, that every child seeks from their legitimate parents.
But I was wrong.
I gained nothing, even I sow and sow.. Even though my actions were pleasing to him, but I didn’t do it out of love, but resentment and gaining approval.
Until I experienced the first love from God, the hurts and disappointments were covered but not fully banished. Thus, sometimes when my parents fought.. I will feel afflicted in my heart. I was an afflicated child.
Not only at home, in school as well.. in class and CCA.. I was driven by approval by others on my works and it was their approval that kept me to be passionate..
But I was wrong again.
In the end, what I reap, was nothing but bitterness and more resentment. It was God’s first love, that expel all fears..
Now, I’m still struggling with it.. The fear of Man.
Many times, I want to please both man and God, but ended up being caught in between both. However, on last Sunday, I made a decision in Toa Payoh.. I gave up my best buddy for God and I received double-blessing that night.
The night before, Joshua (my best buddy) called me to support Walter (my senior), who supposed to be in a band jamming in his church Christmas celebration..
During the conversation, Joshua’s pleading and begging, and I was rather unwillingly to go. Until the Holy Spirit spoke,
“Go, bless Walter.”
I was so engrossed on the conversation that I didn’t hear the released word.
I firstly assumed that it was,
“Go and bless Walter and his band.” or “ Go and bless Walter and his instruments.”
Den during prayer intercession or during service prayer.. I asked again and He repeated..
“Go, bless Walter.”
It wasn’t much myself to give in to Joshua’s pitiful proposal, ‘cos I felt uncomfortable to enter into another church.. My heart wasn’t opened. I was so determined to leave the place after I did what I had to, but fear of Man made me stay on.. (actually is a blessing in disguise..)
Later after, I blessed him and prayed for him. I learnt the truth.. he was part of the Christmas play of the Christ Jesus’ birth. He was ‘Joseph’. Den I understood liao.
Even so.. I was deeply emotional disturbed by the different bands’ performance.. the songs they sang with the poorly angled speakers. Emotional stirred up trouble.. I started to ‘prophesy’.
All my prophecies were negative comments of the church. I didn’t know what to do. I was so scared that I would be responsible for the church’s fall if I don’t tell my prophecies that I called Pastor Char.. Den after all her question on what-God-was-trying-to-tell-you thingy.. I gave up.
“I don’t care liao. God!! You settle it yourself.”
Den.. Anointing was though the glorious light through the cloud, beamed around you.. separating the darkness from the light. Flowers were blooming within my heart.. God was there.
Amazingly.. I started to chat with the gal beside me and get to know her better.. Where’s she from? What church she attends to, bla bla..
And I was the only swaying coconut tree within the block of stony stones when it comes to the ending worship.. It was the first time I experience God in a traditional church. Like it was though in Revival Nation. He’s omnipresent. Omni-everywhere..
Before the ending worship, Joshua left with my seniors who were as well invited for the X’mas celebration.. Reverence of God’s authority.. I waited for Eric Soong ( my infamous senior).
The opportunity was there to ask for forgiveness to the false accusation against him and made crude remarks of him.. He forgave and blessed me after knowing my intentions to meet him when he’s done. I blessed him in return and the bitterness between us was banished by God. I was so grateful..
That, my heart spoke,
“God Rulzzz…”
